So many prayers, so many suggestions, so many desires, so many questions.
So, Father, Abba, Beloved Papa, I ask that You would just make me the woman You want me to be. I can't make that happen on my own, apart from You. I choose, again, to put my faith in You, and I say AMEN to Your good plan, not only for me, but for all Your children...
Without faith we'd be sitting in darkness, not even aware there is light, because we wouldn't believe there was any, because we can't "see it," and unless we are willing to go flip the switch...That is the perfect use of faith. That is My part.
So, sometimes it's good to just keep it simple: "Our Father." "Our." Sometimes that is a small word, meaning the two people, two dogs, and one cat living in this house, and sometimes it is a large one. Global:
Our
OUR Father
Worthy of my worship
(Hallowed) is Your Name
Thy (It's all YOURS)
Thy Kingdom
Come
Thy Will be done
Here in this world
In my life, in the entire universe
As it IS in Heaven
Give us, all of us
Exactly
What we need this day
Show me the correct way to help
And, forgive us
All the debts we owe and can never repay
As we also forgive those who owe us a debt they can't, or don't, repay...
For it's all Yours. All of it. Everyone in it. Your Creation
Your Kingdom: that which sets us outside the mire
Your Power: that which enables us to move supernaturally
Your GLORY, which shines over us and gives us hope
Forever.
Our. Home.
Forever
Sometimes the word "Our" is all I've got
AMEN.
Friday, February 15, 2019
Saturday, February 2, 2019
After 48 years: Marital Advice for you young marrieds:
1. Do NOT expect to get along all the time! It took us the first 30 years to get used to the fact that we do almost NOTHING the same way, nor do we approve of the way the other one does it. And it took 40+ years to learn to SHUT IT when we see them doing it. "Love covers a multitude of sins,” like socks on the floor, fingernail clippings in the car, and cabinet doors left open.
2. Talk it out. ALL of it. Better to have them know the real poopy than to find out later, because none of us is without a poopy side.
3. APOLOGIZE when you are a jerk, because a genuine apology, combined with a pure INTENT to not do that crap anymore, goes a long, long way. It hurts so much to try to forgive when you do not get an apology, or worse, when you get blamed for the other person's bad behavior... And "I'm sorry you're mad" is RIDICULOUS, and won't get you ANY points, NONE. So DON'T DO THAT!
4. Make sure you find quality time just for the two of you. We used a babysitter every Thursday night, because we could get one that night, and if we were broke we sat on a bench at the mall, so that's no excuse. You are growing all the time. Grow together, not apart. YOU as a couple are the building blocks of your family. The kids are the roof.
5. Make sure you get time with yourself, too. You're much less likely to order needless junk on Amazon at midnight if you've had some quality time to think your own thoughts, instead of everyone else's. By the time the first child yells "MAMA!" it's probably too late. I started running before the kids got up, when I was 28, to get some quiet time and prayer time.
6. Cover your ears, Kiddies: Lovemaking begins moments after the last round of kisses. You can't act like a twit in the morning, and expect your sweetie to like you at bedtime. FORGET IT! Because women are like elephants, and elephants NEVER FORGET, until you apologize.
7. A good exhaust fan makes for a good marriage. TMI, I realize, but just sayin', in case you haven't discussed this yet. (If you haven't discussed this yet, you're probably been married less than 24 hours...)
8. When you have an "issue," do NOT start your sentences with "You always," or "You never." Of course, I slip up with this, because he DOES ALWAYS, but if I want to be HEARD, instead of talking to a brick wall, it's better if I say something like: "I really need," or "When you do that I feel blank." And don't try to say this during the game.
9. Remember that there WILL BE people out there who look very green over there on the other side of the fence, but when you get up close they are just as rocky and full of weeds as your own spouse. Do NOT fall for that lie! Unless you want a divorce. You can NOT control who you find attractive, but you CAN control what you do with your FEET! Use them! RUN! YES! Even if you have to change jobs.
10. Divorce often starts by "making a case" for one. When you married him he was wonderful, but after years of telling your friends what a disappointment he is, you, too, will see him as one. Trust me.
11. Meditate often on WHY you married your spouse. I LIKED John. He laughed and listened and had auburn hair and killer, freckled legs, and all this made me know, Lord willing, that he was the one for me. And even during hard, dark, painful times of miscommunication and frustration, when I really wanted to go home to Mama and be a child again, I could remember the way he looked at me back then, before diapers and piano lessons, and dogs barfing in the bed.
12. Most of all, PRAY. God brought you together, and He will help you! Pray together too. Jesus is where two or three are gathered together in His name! And He loves to hear your voice!
13. My birth family all died in their 50s, in the blink of an eye, with no warning. I often think, when John is leaving, "what if today is the day?" Many times I've run out to the car for a kiss. Don't let them leave feeling unloved.
14. Say thank you! John is the bed maker, and I aim to no longer take it for granted when he does tasks around here. All of us long to be noticed and appreciated. And it makes me feel better, too, when I'm appreciative, vs. whining and complaining. I was so busy, and such a martyr, I didn't do this for a very long time. Too long...
15. PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN. Your spouse will feel ignored if what your friend is saying is more important than what he is saying. Agree to put it down sometimes.
16. Proverbs 4:23 says: "Above all else, guard your heart, for from it flows the well-spring of life." ABOVE ALL ELSE? God says ABOVE ALL ELSE? Think of all the Bible contains, written over thousands of years, yet God says ABOVE ALL ELSE? It must be really, really important!
17. If you are hurting, GET SOME HELP. Hurting people hurt other people! And if you are constantly feeling offended, there is probably some deep, infected wound that you need to have healed. You don't want to make your life choices from that wound, but from from the healed areas. We all have scars! Scars are good. Oozing wounds are not. They will haunt you AND your children!
18. Don't argue in front of the kids. They WILL use it to manipulate you. They don't mean to. But they can and they will. And they may think it's their fault that you are fighting.
19. Remember that God loves YOU BOTH, and He wants to help you. One of the best gifts you can ever give your family is to find your way to be happy yourself, because then you give THEM permission to make good choices to make their own life good also.
20. Ask yourself: "How important IS this?" Would you get that undone about an issue if you knew your spouse was going to heaven tomorrow? But, just in case he or she is NOT going to die tomorrow, it's good to ask nicely for what you need, tell them when something they're doing is just not ok, tell them daily how blessed you are to be their spouse. YOU TWO ARE WORTH IT! Much love, Mary Lou. 
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Our 41st Anniversary! Some things I've Learned...
On our 41st anniversary, February 1st, I was wondering if I had anything I wanted to say about it...The only things I can think of are just from our history:
As you may or may not know, we fell in love when I was 15; John was 16. He was so beautiful with his auburn hair and freckles, and he shone like the sun out of doors. I fell in love with him the day we played football after church. John wore cut-offs, as it was a warm day. One look at those freckled legs and I knew this was the boy for me!
As you may or may not know, we fell in love when I was 15; John was 16. He was so beautiful with his auburn hair and freckles, and he shone like the sun out of doors. I fell in love with him the day we played football after church. John wore cut-offs, as it was a warm day. One look at those freckled legs and I knew this was the boy for me!
We got married a week after I turned 18. What I did not realize, when we got married after being apart for a year, was that the year he lived under extreme hardship in Viet Nam had forced him into an evolutionary process that I could not comprehend. He scared me sometimes. We had become Christians, but we were new in our faith.
Fortunately, there was a couple we met in Germany named Harvey and Karen that got us to go to church with them, and there were several older couples there who modeled loving relationships for us. Our foundation was laid on Christ, so we started out well, feeling very certain that God had brought us together and wanted us to stay together, and that, with faith, we could work anything out.
Of course, each of us brought baggage into our marriage, and some of it began to rear its ugly head shortly after we returned to America. We moved in near the entire Moad clan, and Mama was very sick, etc. Life became very stressful for me, even though we all got along well. We had some rough years. I was out of control with food, too, and constantly dieting, starving, bingeing, depressed. I felt guilty that my darling kids had such an out-of-control mom.
One of the hardest things we had to deal with was that our communication styles were very different, partially because our families of origin were so different, and so were our interests. I heard, once, that you can tell a lot about a person based on their favorite books, growing up. Well, one of my favorites was "Gone With The Wind," and John's was the "Tarzan" series. So, maybe you could say I wanted Rhett Butler and he wanted Jane. See the problem?
I've been learning recently about "love languages," too, and about how we get our needs met. I highly recommend reading about this subject! Google it. Studies show that perception is everything, so, if you feel that you are not getting your needs met, it's possible your spouse does not understand the ways in which you get them met. For some people it is "touch," for some "gifts," some need "words of affirmation," etc. Kids who grew up feeling loved, studies show, are kids whose parents met the correct needs. For instance, a child might have been a very loved child, but if the parents didn't understand what the child really needed...
Also, our styles of arguing were very different. In my family we were very volatile. We talked and yelled until we had all heard each other and all let off steam, and then we apologized and made up. In dad's family, they were quieter. Getting too animated was frowned upon. Also, there was a lot of fire station humor, but there's probably no need to go into all that. Let it suffice to say that humor is great, unless someone in the couple feels they are being laughed AT. Enough said. (John has said that I argue just to WIN, too, not to make a point).
I will tell you though, something really special about John: When I felt I was not being heard, and he probably felt likewise, we went to marriage classes, weekend workshops, and eventually to counseling. John balked at first, but relented. He told me, after giving it much thought, that there was nothing more important than our relationship, that he believed God had meant for us to be together, forever. He said he would do "whatever it takes to work things out" with me. We went several times, with different counselors, for a few years.
Our first counselor urged us to put up a united front before the kids. We were not to argue, under any circumstances, even when the other parent was blatantly wrong. We were to go in the bedroom and shut the door before disagreeing on parenting styles.
Remember that kids come out of the womb with a prime directive: "Obtain Power at Any Cost." If that means driving a wedge between you, as a couple, in order to get their way, they will do it, because they're not mature enough to think otherwise. I am begging you to not let this happen! Many divorces happen because one parent becomes the bad guy and the other one is the good guy! Your kids will only be with you for 18 years, but you are going to spend 60 or more together, and you don't want to spend the rest of your life talking about something you can't change after they are gone!
There is only one thing on earth more important than your marriage, and that is God. And He will never ask you to do something that endangers your marriage. However, there is an enemy to your soul who will bring people into your lives to tempt you to sacrifice your relationship to the gods of our culture, and some of them are greed, sex, power, pride, etc. In the book of James he calls them "the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eye and the pride of life." In the book of Genesis those are the three things the enemy tempted Eve with, if you read the first chapters!
Take time every week or two to be alone with yourself and alone with your spouse! Don't give all you have to the kid(s) and save the crumbs of your week for yourself and for each other! Jung said, "Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment, and especially on their children, than the unlived life of the parent." Cut back somewhere else and date each other! Even if you're broke you can take a walk in the mall and talk, really talk, and look into each other's eyes. The world is flying by, and the person you are married to is evolving too. Evolve together!! Never, ever forget why you fell in love with your sweetheart!
Suggestion: get up earlier and journal for 15 minutes, 5 if that's all you have, before the first person says your name! Spend time listening to God speak to you, and through you, and listen to yourself. Even if it's only lists of things you have to do, at least it will free your mind to think your real thoughts, to dream your real dreams, throughout your day. Remember, also, if you only get time alone when you're on the pot, God understands. Pray while you're in there!
Lastly, I want to talk to you about forgiveness, as it has been a strength of John's and mine, thanks to good, church teachings. (You all already know all our weaknesses!) Forgiveness is much easier with a genuine, heartfelt apology! "I'm sorry you're mad," is not a real apology. (I don't know if any of you do this, but I thought I would add it in). Don't let a false sense of pride keep you from admitting your mistakes and apologizing! You can forgive without an apology, but it's much harder. And a lack of forgiveness can lead to deep-rooted bitterness, over time. Bitterness will put you in a prison of your own making. Read Matthew 18:35 on this subject!
The Bible also says that sometimes we have not because we ask not. Ask God to make you the spouse and parent He wants you to be. Never quit asking, either, even for little things, because He wants to help you and your sweetheart, and is helping, in ways you'll probably never know in this life. In Proverbs it says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for from it flows the well-spring of life." Enough Said! MUCH LOVE, Mambo/Mary Lou ~(;-D)
Fortunately, there was a couple we met in Germany named Harvey and Karen that got us to go to church with them, and there were several older couples there who modeled loving relationships for us. Our foundation was laid on Christ, so we started out well, feeling very certain that God had brought us together and wanted us to stay together, and that, with faith, we could work anything out.
Of course, each of us brought baggage into our marriage, and some of it began to rear its ugly head shortly after we returned to America. We moved in near the entire Moad clan, and Mama was very sick, etc. Life became very stressful for me, even though we all got along well. We had some rough years. I was out of control with food, too, and constantly dieting, starving, bingeing, depressed. I felt guilty that my darling kids had such an out-of-control mom.
One of the hardest things we had to deal with was that our communication styles were very different, partially because our families of origin were so different, and so were our interests. I heard, once, that you can tell a lot about a person based on their favorite books, growing up. Well, one of my favorites was "Gone With The Wind," and John's was the "Tarzan" series. So, maybe you could say I wanted Rhett Butler and he wanted Jane. See the problem?
I've been learning recently about "love languages," too, and about how we get our needs met. I highly recommend reading about this subject! Google it. Studies show that perception is everything, so, if you feel that you are not getting your needs met, it's possible your spouse does not understand the ways in which you get them met. For some people it is "touch," for some "gifts," some need "words of affirmation," etc. Kids who grew up feeling loved, studies show, are kids whose parents met the correct needs. For instance, a child might have been a very loved child, but if the parents didn't understand what the child really needed...
Also, our styles of arguing were very different. In my family we were very volatile. We talked and yelled until we had all heard each other and all let off steam, and then we apologized and made up. In dad's family, they were quieter. Getting too animated was frowned upon. Also, there was a lot of fire station humor, but there's probably no need to go into all that. Let it suffice to say that humor is great, unless someone in the couple feels they are being laughed AT. Enough said. (John has said that I argue just to WIN, too, not to make a point).
I will tell you though, something really special about John: When I felt I was not being heard, and he probably felt likewise, we went to marriage classes, weekend workshops, and eventually to counseling. John balked at first, but relented. He told me, after giving it much thought, that there was nothing more important than our relationship, that he believed God had meant for us to be together, forever. He said he would do "whatever it takes to work things out" with me. We went several times, with different counselors, for a few years.
Our first counselor urged us to put up a united front before the kids. We were not to argue, under any circumstances, even when the other parent was blatantly wrong. We were to go in the bedroom and shut the door before disagreeing on parenting styles.
Remember that kids come out of the womb with a prime directive: "Obtain Power at Any Cost." If that means driving a wedge between you, as a couple, in order to get their way, they will do it, because they're not mature enough to think otherwise. I am begging you to not let this happen! Many divorces happen because one parent becomes the bad guy and the other one is the good guy! Your kids will only be with you for 18 years, but you are going to spend 60 or more together, and you don't want to spend the rest of your life talking about something you can't change after they are gone!
There is only one thing on earth more important than your marriage, and that is God. And He will never ask you to do something that endangers your marriage. However, there is an enemy to your soul who will bring people into your lives to tempt you to sacrifice your relationship to the gods of our culture, and some of them are greed, sex, power, pride, etc. In the book of James he calls them "the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eye and the pride of life." In the book of Genesis those are the three things the enemy tempted Eve with, if you read the first chapters!
Take time every week or two to be alone with yourself and alone with your spouse! Don't give all you have to the kid(s) and save the crumbs of your week for yourself and for each other! Jung said, "Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment, and especially on their children, than the unlived life of the parent." Cut back somewhere else and date each other! Even if you're broke you can take a walk in the mall and talk, really talk, and look into each other's eyes. The world is flying by, and the person you are married to is evolving too. Evolve together!! Never, ever forget why you fell in love with your sweetheart!
Suggestion: get up earlier and journal for 15 minutes, 5 if that's all you have, before the first person says your name! Spend time listening to God speak to you, and through you, and listen to yourself. Even if it's only lists of things you have to do, at least it will free your mind to think your real thoughts, to dream your real dreams, throughout your day. Remember, also, if you only get time alone when you're on the pot, God understands. Pray while you're in there!
Lastly, I want to talk to you about forgiveness, as it has been a strength of John's and mine, thanks to good, church teachings. (You all already know all our weaknesses!) Forgiveness is much easier with a genuine, heartfelt apology! "I'm sorry you're mad," is not a real apology. (I don't know if any of you do this, but I thought I would add it in). Don't let a false sense of pride keep you from admitting your mistakes and apologizing! You can forgive without an apology, but it's much harder. And a lack of forgiveness can lead to deep-rooted bitterness, over time. Bitterness will put you in a prison of your own making. Read Matthew 18:35 on this subject!
The Bible also says that sometimes we have not because we ask not. Ask God to make you the spouse and parent He wants you to be. Never quit asking, either, even for little things, because He wants to help you and your sweetheart, and is helping, in ways you'll probably never know in this life. In Proverbs it says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for from it flows the well-spring of life." Enough Said! MUCH LOVE, Mambo/Mary Lou ~(;-D)
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Jolly Green Giant?
Fixing
I would guess that there are other therapists who go into our fields because we not only want to fix others, but ourselves too. Fortunately, at UCO, we were "encouraged" to work on our own stuff before we tried to help anyone else. (Required to go TO therapy ourselves).
One of my biggest faults as a therapist is that it makes me furious when someone is being tortured right in front of me. If they said, "He only hits me on the weekends," or, "She only has a fling now and then; it's no big deal," I want to flip around on the floor like a trout!
Why, why, why are we all, or many of us, if not all, susceptible to lies? If I told you I am the Jolly Green Giant, you would dispute it. Yet, if someone, somewhere, when we were ten, told me I was the Jolly Green Giant, I put velcro on the words and stuck them on my back. Then, I repeated, over and over, "I'm the Jolly Green Giant," and proceeded to only wear green clothing when I could find it, even though I might hate green, it makes me look dead, which it does.Hmmmm....Could that be because I feel dead, and the green complements the lie I've believed so fully, and that believing that lie is making me feel that I am actually dying, inside?
One way my first therapist helped me battle the lies that were bombarding me from every direction (possibly worse depending on how many voices said you were the Jolly Green Giant, or how insistent they were that you were in fact, only good enough to be on a green bean can), was to LISTEN to the ridiculous things they say.AND I PROMISE YOU: IF YOU LISTEN, AND THINK ABOUT IT, THE LIES WILL BE AS RIDICULOUS AS THE ABOVE SCENERIO!
Some of the smartest think they are stupid. Some of the prettiest think they are a beast. Some of the most talented never develop their gifts!
Interestingly, several therapists later, this newest one also said the same thing: "If you don't listen, how can you ever dispute it? How can you ever identify that it's a lie?"(Picture yourself standing in the kitchen with the blender on, and everyone in the kitchen is trying to yell over the blender, each a little louder, until your head is exploding? That was me when Doubt and Unbelief kept me stuck in the lies!)
So, Therapist Six had me write down what I was hearing. I discovered that I said to myself, as I passed every mirror, "You are fat as a hog." I was totally shocked. Well, if you said that to me, I'd never listen to you again, never speak to you again, yet I was listening to it all day every day from inside myself, because someone, a sadist in Tuff Nut jeans, said that to me when I was ten!(By the way, I weighed 135 lb. when I was plagued with that lie, down from 260).
The next step was to put a line down the middle of a page in a spiral notebook, and on one side I wrote: "Lies." On the other side I wrote the title: "The TRUTH" So, on the left side it said: "I'm fat as a hog." On the other side I wrote, "NO, THAT'S A LIE. And, I still say, "No, that's a LIE!" (OUT LOUD). The truth is, I'm heavier than I would like to be, but God loves me and my family loves me, and none of them would love me more if I were thinner." Then I would say, OUT LOUD, a Truth from God's Opinion about me, the Bible. more later...
I would guess that there are other therapists who go into our fields because we not only want to fix others, but ourselves too. Fortunately, at UCO, we were "encouraged" to work on our own stuff before we tried to help anyone else. (Required to go TO therapy ourselves).
One of my biggest faults as a therapist is that it makes me furious when someone is being tortured right in front of me. If they said, "He only hits me on the weekends," or, "She only has a fling now and then; it's no big deal," I want to flip around on the floor like a trout!
Why, why, why are we all, or many of us, if not all, susceptible to lies? If I told you I am the Jolly Green Giant, you would dispute it. Yet, if someone, somewhere, when we were ten, told me I was the Jolly Green Giant, I put velcro on the words and stuck them on my back. Then, I repeated, over and over, "I'm the Jolly Green Giant," and proceeded to only wear green clothing when I could find it, even though I might hate green, it makes me look dead, which it does.Hmmmm....Could that be because I feel dead, and the green complements the lie I've believed so fully, and that believing that lie is making me feel that I am actually dying, inside?
One way my first therapist helped me battle the lies that were bombarding me from every direction (possibly worse depending on how many voices said you were the Jolly Green Giant, or how insistent they were that you were in fact, only good enough to be on a green bean can), was to LISTEN to the ridiculous things they say.AND I PROMISE YOU: IF YOU LISTEN, AND THINK ABOUT IT, THE LIES WILL BE AS RIDICULOUS AS THE ABOVE SCENERIO!
Some of the smartest think they are stupid. Some of the prettiest think they are a beast. Some of the most talented never develop their gifts!
Interestingly, several therapists later, this newest one also said the same thing: "If you don't listen, how can you ever dispute it? How can you ever identify that it's a lie?"(Picture yourself standing in the kitchen with the blender on, and everyone in the kitchen is trying to yell over the blender, each a little louder, until your head is exploding? That was me when Doubt and Unbelief kept me stuck in the lies!)
So, Therapist Six had me write down what I was hearing. I discovered that I said to myself, as I passed every mirror, "You are fat as a hog." I was totally shocked. Well, if you said that to me, I'd never listen to you again, never speak to you again, yet I was listening to it all day every day from inside myself, because someone, a sadist in Tuff Nut jeans, said that to me when I was ten!(By the way, I weighed 135 lb. when I was plagued with that lie, down from 260).
The next step was to put a line down the middle of a page in a spiral notebook, and on one side I wrote: "Lies." On the other side I wrote the title: "The TRUTH" So, on the left side it said: "I'm fat as a hog." On the other side I wrote, "NO, THAT'S A LIE. And, I still say, "No, that's a LIE!" (OUT LOUD). The truth is, I'm heavier than I would like to be, but God loves me and my family loves me, and none of them would love me more if I were thinner." Then I would say, OUT LOUD, a Truth from God's Opinion about me, the Bible. more later...
Sunday, March 7, 2010
OK, one thing I forgot to say is, after much, much prayer about my tendency to help someone down the street who isn't ready to go...
When we became Christians, in my twenties, my brother called one day to apologize. I was very obese, had lost, truly!!!! 400 lb., thirty-five to eighty lb. at a time, and gained it back each time. I was in agony. My brother was a changed man when he became a Christian, and apologies were not is long suit, so to speak, so it was a, uhhh, surprise, to say the least...
He apologized for my obesity. Huh? He apologized because he had heard on TV that children live up to their family's expectations of them, and he was always telling me I'd be buried in a piano case, when we were kids, but he was only trying to "help" me down the street, right? He said he had thought it would help me stay on a diet if he pointed out my fat, like my dad said, regularly.
He was my only (living) brother, my older brother, Doug! Anything he said was gospel to me! I told John, when I met him, that Doug had made up a song: "Kindergarten baby born in the gravy." He told me they said that at his gradeschool too, and I was shocked!! I thought Doug had invented the wheel!
So, why wouldn't I believe that I should be buried in a piano case, that it was my DESTINY?!!
Well, Doug didn't force the twinkies down my throat, or the M&M's. But what an amazing apology that was!!!! God in Heaven, thank you for the years I had with my Doug!!
OK, I could quit blaming Doug for the hurts. I forgave people for their words, but their hurts still stuck to me, like velcro. Words have so much power!!! Or, at least they did, when I then thought everyone else's words were reality, facts, not just their own (cruel) THOUGHTS.
(How many people wake up thinking that some hideous thing I said, in high school, is true about them? Oh, God, forgive me for the mean things I said to at least two people I can remember!!!)
Doug recently visited me in a dream, by the way, completely restored to his peak of youthful manhood, to absolute perfection, no scars, no wrinkles, no moles, and in a body that shone like the moon! I wasn't even sure, at first, if it was Doug or an angel...wow...amazing...
But that's too wierd, so I don't want to tell you all about that, lol. LOVE, Mary Lou
When we became Christians, in my twenties, my brother called one day to apologize. I was very obese, had lost, truly!!!! 400 lb., thirty-five to eighty lb. at a time, and gained it back each time. I was in agony. My brother was a changed man when he became a Christian, and apologies were not is long suit, so to speak, so it was a, uhhh, surprise, to say the least...
He apologized for my obesity. Huh? He apologized because he had heard on TV that children live up to their family's expectations of them, and he was always telling me I'd be buried in a piano case, when we were kids, but he was only trying to "help" me down the street, right? He said he had thought it would help me stay on a diet if he pointed out my fat, like my dad said, regularly.
He was my only (living) brother, my older brother, Doug! Anything he said was gospel to me! I told John, when I met him, that Doug had made up a song: "Kindergarten baby born in the gravy." He told me they said that at his gradeschool too, and I was shocked!! I thought Doug had invented the wheel!
So, why wouldn't I believe that I should be buried in a piano case, that it was my DESTINY?!!
Well, Doug didn't force the twinkies down my throat, or the M&M's. But what an amazing apology that was!!!! God in Heaven, thank you for the years I had with my Doug!!
OK, I could quit blaming Doug for the hurts. I forgave people for their words, but their hurts still stuck to me, like velcro. Words have so much power!!! Or, at least they did, when I then thought everyone else's words were reality, facts, not just their own (cruel) THOUGHTS.
(How many people wake up thinking that some hideous thing I said, in high school, is true about them? Oh, God, forgive me for the mean things I said to at least two people I can remember!!!)
Doug recently visited me in a dream, by the way, completely restored to his peak of youthful manhood, to absolute perfection, no scars, no wrinkles, no moles, and in a body that shone like the moon! I wasn't even sure, at first, if it was Doug or an angel...wow...amazing...
But that's too wierd, so I don't want to tell you all about that, lol. LOVE, Mary Lou
Fixing
I would guess that there are other therapists who go into our fields because we not only want to fix others, but ourselves too. Fortunately, at UCO, we were "encouraged" to work on our own stuff before we tried to help anyone else. (Required to go TO therapy ourselves).
One of my biggest faults as a therapist is that it makes me furious when someone is being tortured right in front of me. If they said, "He only hits me on the weekends," or, "She only has a fling now and then; it's no big deal," I want to flip around on the floor like a trout!
Why, why, why are we all, or many of us, if not all, susceptible to lies? If I told you I am the Jolly Green Giant, you would dispute it. Yet, if someone, somewhere, when we were ten, told me I was the Jolly Green Giant, I put velcro on the words and stuck them on my back. Then, I repeated, over and over, "I'm the Jolly Green Giant," and proceeded to only wear green clothing when I could find it, even though I might hate green, it makes me look dead, which it does.
Hmmmm....Could that be because I feel dead, and the green complements the lie I've believed so fully, and that believing that lie is making me feel that I am actually dying, inside?
One way my first therapist helped me battle the lies that were bombarding me from every direction (possibly worse depending on how many voices said you were the Jolly Green Giant, or how insistent they were that you were in fact, only good enough to be on a green bean can), was to LISTEN to the ridiculous things they say.
AND I PROMISE YOU: IF YOU LISTEN, AND THINK ABOUT IT, THE LIES WILL BE AS RIDICULOUS AS THE ABOVE SCENERIO!
Some of the smartest think they are stupid. Some of the prettiest think they are a beast. Some of the most talented never develop their gifts!
Interestingly, several therapists later, this newest one also said the same thing: "If you don't listen, how can you ever dispute it? How can you ever identify that it's a lie?"
(Picture yourself standing in the kitchen with the blender on, and everyone in the kitchen is trying to yell over the blender, each a little louder, until your head is exploding? That was me when Doubt and Unbelief kept me stuck in the lies!)
So, Therapist Six had me write down what I was hearing. I discovered that I said to myself, as I passed every mirror, "You are fat as a hog." I was totally shocked. Well, if you said that to me, I'd never listen to you again, never speak to you again, yet I was listening to it all day every day from inside myself, because someone, a sadist in Tuff Nut jeans, said that to me when I was ten!
(By the way, I weighed 135 lb. when I was plagued with that lie, down from 260).
The next step was to put a line down the middle of a page in a spiral notebook, and on one side I wrote: "Lies I've been Listening to." On the other side I wrote the title: "What's really True." So, on the left side it said: "I'm fat as a hog." On the other side I wrote, "NO, THAT'S A LIE. The truth is, I'm heavier than I would like to be, but God loves me and my family loves me, and none of them would love me more if I were thinner." Then I would say, OUT LOUD, a Truth from God's Opinion about me, the Bible. more later...
One of my biggest faults as a therapist is that it makes me furious when someone is being tortured right in front of me. If they said, "He only hits me on the weekends," or, "She only has a fling now and then; it's no big deal," I want to flip around on the floor like a trout!
Why, why, why are we all, or many of us, if not all, susceptible to lies? If I told you I am the Jolly Green Giant, you would dispute it. Yet, if someone, somewhere, when we were ten, told me I was the Jolly Green Giant, I put velcro on the words and stuck them on my back. Then, I repeated, over and over, "I'm the Jolly Green Giant," and proceeded to only wear green clothing when I could find it, even though I might hate green, it makes me look dead, which it does.
Hmmmm....Could that be because I feel dead, and the green complements the lie I've believed so fully, and that believing that lie is making me feel that I am actually dying, inside?
One way my first therapist helped me battle the lies that were bombarding me from every direction (possibly worse depending on how many voices said you were the Jolly Green Giant, or how insistent they were that you were in fact, only good enough to be on a green bean can), was to LISTEN to the ridiculous things they say.
AND I PROMISE YOU: IF YOU LISTEN, AND THINK ABOUT IT, THE LIES WILL BE AS RIDICULOUS AS THE ABOVE SCENERIO!
Some of the smartest think they are stupid. Some of the prettiest think they are a beast. Some of the most talented never develop their gifts!
Interestingly, several therapists later, this newest one also said the same thing: "If you don't listen, how can you ever dispute it? How can you ever identify that it's a lie?"
(Picture yourself standing in the kitchen with the blender on, and everyone in the kitchen is trying to yell over the blender, each a little louder, until your head is exploding? That was me when Doubt and Unbelief kept me stuck in the lies!)
So, Therapist Six had me write down what I was hearing. I discovered that I said to myself, as I passed every mirror, "You are fat as a hog." I was totally shocked. Well, if you said that to me, I'd never listen to you again, never speak to you again, yet I was listening to it all day every day from inside myself, because someone, a sadist in Tuff Nut jeans, said that to me when I was ten!
(By the way, I weighed 135 lb. when I was plagued with that lie, down from 260).
The next step was to put a line down the middle of a page in a spiral notebook, and on one side I wrote: "Lies I've been Listening to." On the other side I wrote the title: "What's really True." So, on the left side it said: "I'm fat as a hog." On the other side I wrote, "NO, THAT'S A LIE. The truth is, I'm heavier than I would like to be, but God loves me and my family loves me, and none of them would love me more if I were thinner." Then I would say, OUT LOUD, a Truth from God's Opinion about me, the Bible. more later...
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