As you may or may not know, we fell in love when I was 15; John was 16. He was so beautiful with his auburn hair and freckles, and he shone like the sun out of doors. I fell in love with him the day we played football after church. John wore cut-offs, as it was a warm day. One look at those freckled legs and I knew this was the boy for me!
We got married a week after I turned 18. What I did not realize, when we got married after being apart for a year, was that the year he lived under extreme hardship in Viet Nam had forced him into an evolutionary process that I could not comprehend. He scared me sometimes. We had become Christians, but we were new in our faith.
Fortunately, there was a couple we met in Germany named Harvey and Karen that got us to go to church with them, and there were several older couples there who modeled loving relationships for us. Our foundation was laid on Christ, so we started out well, feeling very certain that God had brought us together and wanted us to stay together, and that, with faith, we could work anything out.
Of course, each of us brought baggage into our marriage, and some of it began to rear its ugly head shortly after we returned to America. We moved in near the entire Moad clan, and Mama was very sick, etc. Life became very stressful for me, even though we all got along well. We had some rough years. I was out of control with food, too, and constantly dieting, starving, bingeing, depressed. I felt guilty that my darling kids had such an out-of-control mom.
One of the hardest things we had to deal with was that our communication styles were very different, partially because our families of origin were so different, and so were our interests. I heard, once, that you can tell a lot about a person based on their favorite books, growing up. Well, one of my favorites was "Gone With The Wind," and John's was the "Tarzan" series. So, maybe you could say I wanted Rhett Butler and he wanted Jane. See the problem?
I've been learning recently about "love languages," too, and about how we get our needs met. I highly recommend reading about this subject! Google it. Studies show that perception is everything, so, if you feel that you are not getting your needs met, it's possible your spouse does not understand the ways in which you get them met. For some people it is "touch," for some "gifts," some need "words of affirmation," etc. Kids who grew up feeling loved, studies show, are kids whose parents met the correct needs. For instance, a child might have been a very loved child, but if the parents didn't understand what the child really needed...
Also, our styles of arguing were very different. In my family we were very volatile. We talked and yelled until we had all heard each other and all let off steam, and then we apologized and made up. In dad's family, they were quieter. Getting too animated was frowned upon. Also, there was a lot of fire station humor, but there's probably no need to go into all that. Let it suffice to say that humor is great, unless someone in the couple feels they are being laughed AT. Enough said. (John has said that I argue just to WIN, too, not to make a point).
I will tell you though, something really special about John: When I felt I was not being heard, and he probably felt likewise, we went to marriage classes, weekend workshops, and eventually to counseling. John balked at first, but relented. He told me, after giving it much thought, that there was nothing more important than our relationship, that he believed God had meant for us to be together, forever. He said he would do "whatever it takes to work things out" with me. We went several times, with different counselors, for a few years.
Our first counselor urged us to put up a united front before the kids. We were not to argue, under any circumstances, even when the other parent was blatantly wrong. We were to go in the bedroom and shut the door before disagreeing on parenting styles.
Remember that kids come out of the womb with a prime directive: "Obtain Power at Any Cost." If that means driving a wedge between you, as a couple, in order to get their way, they will do it, because they're not mature enough to think otherwise. I am begging you to not let this happen! Many divorces happen because one parent becomes the bad guy and the other one is the good guy! Your kids will only be with you for 18 years, but you are going to spend 60 or more together, and you don't want to spend the rest of your life talking about something you can't change after they are gone!
There is only one thing on earth more important than your marriage, and that is God. And He will never ask you to do something that endangers your marriage. However, there is an enemy to your soul who will bring people into your lives to tempt you to sacrifice your relationship to the gods of our culture, and some of them are greed, sex, power, pride, etc. In the book of James he calls them "the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eye and the pride of life." In the book of Genesis those are the three things the enemy tempted Eve with, if you read the first chapters!
Take time every week or two to be alone with yourself and alone with your spouse! Don't give all you have to the kid(s) and save the crumbs of your week for yourself and for each other! Jung said, "Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment, and especially on their children, than the unlived life of the parent." Cut back somewhere else and date each other! Even if you're broke you can take a walk in the mall and talk, really talk, and look into each other's eyes. The world is flying by, and the person you are married to is evolving too. Evolve together!! Never, ever forget why you fell in love with your sweetheart!
Suggestion: get up earlier and journal for 15 minutes, 5 if that's all you have, before the first person says your name! Spend time listening to God speak to you, and through you, and listen to yourself. Even if it's only lists of things you have to do, at least it will free your mind to think your real thoughts, to dream your real dreams, throughout your day. Remember, also, if you only get time alone when you're on the pot, God understands. Pray while you're in there!
Lastly, I want to talk to you about forgiveness, as it has been a strength of John's and mine, thanks to good, church teachings. (You all already know all our weaknesses!) Forgiveness is much easier with a genuine, heartfelt apology! "I'm sorry you're mad," is not a real apology. (I don't know if any of you do this, but I thought I would add it in). Don't let a false sense of pride keep you from admitting your mistakes and apologizing! You can forgive without an apology, but it's much harder. And a lack of forgiveness can lead to deep-rooted bitterness, over time. Bitterness will put you in a prison of your own making. Read Matthew 18:35 on this subject!
The Bible also says that sometimes we have not because we ask not. Ask God to make you the spouse and parent He wants you to be. Never quit asking, either, even for little things, because He wants to help you and your sweetheart, and is helping, in ways you'll probably never know in this life. In Proverbs it says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for from it flows the well-spring of life." Enough Said! MUCH LOVE, Mambo/Mary Lou ~(;-D)
Fortunately, there was a couple we met in Germany named Harvey and Karen that got us to go to church with them, and there were several older couples there who modeled loving relationships for us. Our foundation was laid on Christ, so we started out well, feeling very certain that God had brought us together and wanted us to stay together, and that, with faith, we could work anything out.
Of course, each of us brought baggage into our marriage, and some of it began to rear its ugly head shortly after we returned to America. We moved in near the entire Moad clan, and Mama was very sick, etc. Life became very stressful for me, even though we all got along well. We had some rough years. I was out of control with food, too, and constantly dieting, starving, bingeing, depressed. I felt guilty that my darling kids had such an out-of-control mom.
One of the hardest things we had to deal with was that our communication styles were very different, partially because our families of origin were so different, and so were our interests. I heard, once, that you can tell a lot about a person based on their favorite books, growing up. Well, one of my favorites was "Gone With The Wind," and John's was the "Tarzan" series. So, maybe you could say I wanted Rhett Butler and he wanted Jane. See the problem?
I've been learning recently about "love languages," too, and about how we get our needs met. I highly recommend reading about this subject! Google it. Studies show that perception is everything, so, if you feel that you are not getting your needs met, it's possible your spouse does not understand the ways in which you get them met. For some people it is "touch," for some "gifts," some need "words of affirmation," etc. Kids who grew up feeling loved, studies show, are kids whose parents met the correct needs. For instance, a child might have been a very loved child, but if the parents didn't understand what the child really needed...
Also, our styles of arguing were very different. In my family we were very volatile. We talked and yelled until we had all heard each other and all let off steam, and then we apologized and made up. In dad's family, they were quieter. Getting too animated was frowned upon. Also, there was a lot of fire station humor, but there's probably no need to go into all that. Let it suffice to say that humor is great, unless someone in the couple feels they are being laughed AT. Enough said. (John has said that I argue just to WIN, too, not to make a point).
I will tell you though, something really special about John: When I felt I was not being heard, and he probably felt likewise, we went to marriage classes, weekend workshops, and eventually to counseling. John balked at first, but relented. He told me, after giving it much thought, that there was nothing more important than our relationship, that he believed God had meant for us to be together, forever. He said he would do "whatever it takes to work things out" with me. We went several times, with different counselors, for a few years.
Our first counselor urged us to put up a united front before the kids. We were not to argue, under any circumstances, even when the other parent was blatantly wrong. We were to go in the bedroom and shut the door before disagreeing on parenting styles.
Remember that kids come out of the womb with a prime directive: "Obtain Power at Any Cost." If that means driving a wedge between you, as a couple, in order to get their way, they will do it, because they're not mature enough to think otherwise. I am begging you to not let this happen! Many divorces happen because one parent becomes the bad guy and the other one is the good guy! Your kids will only be with you for 18 years, but you are going to spend 60 or more together, and you don't want to spend the rest of your life talking about something you can't change after they are gone!
There is only one thing on earth more important than your marriage, and that is God. And He will never ask you to do something that endangers your marriage. However, there is an enemy to your soul who will bring people into your lives to tempt you to sacrifice your relationship to the gods of our culture, and some of them are greed, sex, power, pride, etc. In the book of James he calls them "the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eye and the pride of life." In the book of Genesis those are the three things the enemy tempted Eve with, if you read the first chapters!
Take time every week or two to be alone with yourself and alone with your spouse! Don't give all you have to the kid(s) and save the crumbs of your week for yourself and for each other! Jung said, "Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment, and especially on their children, than the unlived life of the parent." Cut back somewhere else and date each other! Even if you're broke you can take a walk in the mall and talk, really talk, and look into each other's eyes. The world is flying by, and the person you are married to is evolving too. Evolve together!! Never, ever forget why you fell in love with your sweetheart!
Suggestion: get up earlier and journal for 15 minutes, 5 if that's all you have, before the first person says your name! Spend time listening to God speak to you, and through you, and listen to yourself. Even if it's only lists of things you have to do, at least it will free your mind to think your real thoughts, to dream your real dreams, throughout your day. Remember, also, if you only get time alone when you're on the pot, God understands. Pray while you're in there!
Lastly, I want to talk to you about forgiveness, as it has been a strength of John's and mine, thanks to good, church teachings. (You all already know all our weaknesses!) Forgiveness is much easier with a genuine, heartfelt apology! "I'm sorry you're mad," is not a real apology. (I don't know if any of you do this, but I thought I would add it in). Don't let a false sense of pride keep you from admitting your mistakes and apologizing! You can forgive without an apology, but it's much harder. And a lack of forgiveness can lead to deep-rooted bitterness, over time. Bitterness will put you in a prison of your own making. Read Matthew 18:35 on this subject!
The Bible also says that sometimes we have not because we ask not. Ask God to make you the spouse and parent He wants you to be. Never quit asking, either, even for little things, because He wants to help you and your sweetheart, and is helping, in ways you'll probably never know in this life. In Proverbs it says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for from it flows the well-spring of life." Enough Said! MUCH LOVE, Mambo/Mary Lou ~(;-D)
